Norma June Brown

MarilynMonroe’s back at the door again. She’s not aged well, but then who does at 86?I was never particularly interested in Marilyn unlike some, she acted and shehad hips and thighs and good curves such as you don’t see so much of on screenbig or small nowadays. She was always someone that had already died to me and given heroverdose has led to a wet sack of conspiracy theories ever since it’s all inthe same part of my head where lurk people that don’t believe on the moonlandings. Marilyn was before my generation, who for such things had CarolineMunro, Raquel Welch (and according to my mate Maurice, Dennis Waterman) alreadywith a long list of films to discover. Proper women, with curves, importantwhen you’re of a certain age.

            Well, Marilyn doesn’t have curvesnow. After her pretend-death she reinvented herself as a much better actress.Most popularly known for playing Dot Cotton in EastEnders I think she turned ina fantastic Nannie Slagg in the Beebs version of Gormenghast. She turned herback on the pouty-glamour and rose within the ranks of the Women’s Institute,especially here in Tolly Maw where the WI has since the early 70s adopted themore hands-on approach and name of the Dead Starlet’s Cake and Thunder VigilanteModel Railway Society. It’s a bit of a mouthful and is one of the feworganisations I’ve encountered where it’s less faff to say the whole lot thanuse an acronym. And she keeps on coming round selling raffle tickets (top prize‘Michael Flatley Sings Starlight Express’ which she is insistent on not being arecording). It’s possible since after Riverdance the terrifying soloist hasonly gotten work tamping down mastic-asphalt, he’s cheaper than a big rollerapparently.

            You can hear Marilyn coming. She hasthese rats in a birdcage she feeds only on brandy-soaked millet worms (the sortnylon tents are spun from), and they fight and swear and are always drunkbecause of it. She wears clogs made of shoehorns, hobnailed. She gets about ina pram pulled by monkeys, and not nice monkeys, but old monkeys that look uppeople’s skirts. They set upon travellers with Velcro and a kilt so they canlook up it at need. I don’t know why and I don’t ask because you can tell thesearen’t nice monkeys, nice monkeys have ruffs.

            So I’ll have to buy some raffletickets because they’ve just flopped onto the mat. She calls out that I cansell them to friends, for a good cause, but we all know that means you have tocough for them yourself.

            It’s for a good cause at least. It’sso you don’t go on the list held by the Dead Starlet’s Cake and ThunderVigilante Cadre Vigilante Model Railway Society. The list of wrong-uns. Thelist of those that need watching. By monkeys, through the window, when you’rehaving a nice read of a morning over a good poo. Where they scratch on thewindow with their one, long finger, licking the glass, whispering the words ofDennis Potter. In monkey.

            So I’ll put you all down for threeapiece?