Lay Grouter, Eight Inside (Pt 8)

The Boffin a fellow of infinite beard

Though trimmed to the chin by a wren

Resembled a wizard who with glass in hand

Might have troubled a malt now and then

A malt in that glass that could not be seen

A glass that the Boffin then raised

To show just exactly how much remained

Of the malt and his eyes (which were glazed)

Unlike the window which without glass

(The glass that it never could find)

For the window had a cane and a Labrador dog

No curtains, but a very fine blind

The Boffin rocked back on his best pointed heels

And his eyebrows he gave a good twirl

As he heard their adventures related in rhyme

And of Young Grouter’s good need for a girl

‘Easily done’, the Boffin declared

‘For a girl you have come to the right man

A man with a beard that keeps warm a brain

Already possessed of a plan’

‘A plan already indulging in progress

A progress already in demand’

That demand of a chap with a finely turned beard

Might still yet attend to by hand

A dolly, a device, of all a chap might find nice

‘Home brew and pipe smoke, a garter

A spitfire, a Kylie, and good shepherd’s pie

A drinker, a chum, and a farter’

‘In fact’, said the Boffin whose studies had shown

His investigations, his queries and tests

That the woman just right for a chap such as he

Was ‘a chap, but one with good breasts’

‘We’d admire them both, he and I, you and me’

Said the Boffin not wanting to seem silly

‘You’d fit the bill, to a tea, to a scone

Just as soon as you’ve offed the old willy’

Grouter protested, the angel concurred

Bright red and burning their ears

To be spoken of concerning a wild night in

With scissors, and scalpels, and shears

They were seeking a girl, their geas, their quest

(A quest ever proving more tricky)

For good honest love, true-hearted and pure

Also dirty, and nasty, and sticky

‘My dear boy’, said the Boffin who fetched up his coat

His scarf made of scarves and a hat

‘If you wish for a girl made entirely of girl

Then the girl that you want will be that’

And he had it in mind then to take them both out

To the house of the Vixen, who sociable

Was apt to cure young men of romantic ways

For a fee that was generally negotiable.