Dutch To Win (War)

You might have heard about the recent updates to the Geneva Convention – the rules of war ratified by most but not quite-yet by a surprising participant or two. Ever since Vietnam showed us that horror is a lot better with a funky soundtrack there now is to be a new stipulation that every western nation is to have its own theme song.

The reasons for this are twofold it seems. Just as the news media need to report it, they also have to keep to their advertising scheduling. Secondly and whilst presently different sides are agreeably managing to stay looking different this all falls apart in the event of a conflict between any two nations that both have Apple stores. With only minor differences in uniform, equipment, tanks and sunglasses the news media is concerned that no longer will each side be easily told apart. Much like if in sport both teams wore the same uniform. Like cricket, or golf, or ten-pin bowling.

To satisfy both problems then and soon the armed forces of all signatory nations will operate only under backing tracks. This allows advertisers to know when the commercial break will come up (when the music stops), and whilst the idea of going back to the colourful team strips of the Napoleonic era was rejected, then the backing track will show who is who when the camera is upon them.

All well and good and since at 2.02 minutes long all of Scandinavia can go and have a beer once Led Zeppelin’s The Immigrant Song finishes, it’s not quite so handy for others. Britain that had planned originally to conduct operations to the sound of Blur’s Song 2 are now frantically scrambling about for an alternative since Damon Albarn refused to compromise his anti-war beliefs. It looks very much like Her Majesty’s Armed Forces will be left in talks with former pop-sensation Steps.

No word has come from France, though doubtless it will be a massively popular work of cultural significance that no one will have heard of. Germany at first were thought to have enlisted the aid of Einsturzende Neubauten, but pulled a clever double-bluff ambush by going for the obvious, and Kraftwerk’s Autobahn. But at 22.43 Germany will still be left having to cease fire whilst for seventeen seconds longer Holland will get to chuckle as the last bars of Supper’s Ready by Genesis end any conflict in time for Meercats ironically injecting a little 70s style idle xenophobia into everyone’s day on the subject of car insurance.

Though strictly speaking Supper’s Ready only clocks in at 22.53 the Dutch have made no secret of their planned delaying tactics whereby they will get there seven seconds late, thus really, really annoying the Germans.

And me. Because for fuck’s sake.